Open book

I finished reading a fiction book called "Providence" by Chris Coppernoll last week and it got me thinking about what it would be like to write my life story. In the story the main character is pushed to write his memoirs and in the process revisits a lot of his past that he has spent the last 20 years packing away. Things he has locked away that have shaped and haunt him. How would I feel to see my "entire" life story written for all to read? I would want to edit parts of the story. Forget about decisions that I made, things that wouldn't look so good in the bright light, written for everyone to see. I would want the cleaned up version or better yet the fiction version that could add things that I didn't even accomplish. Not really though, as I know the things that have been part of my past are the things that have shaped who I am today. Not that I would make the same choices if I had the chance to make them again, but through those experiences (good and bad) I have become who I am now. I think that is part of God's plan to use us where we are at. We get the chance to take our past and use it shape what the future will look like. We can't change what has happened, but we can change what will happen. Another thing that struck me as I was reading this book was that God actually does see my "entire" story. We may think there are parts of us that no one else knows about but God is there for the entire story. He sees us as we are writing our memoirs. What does your story say? Who are the main characters in your life story? Interesting for me to envision my life as book being written for others to read. What chapter are you writing right now?

I'm not who I was

This hasn't been the typical holiday season for me. It has been unrushed with little on our calendar. I have taken a little break from blogging, haven't done much with our friends, and generally just been at home. It is as if our world has slowed down to a crawl this last week. Needed - probably, but I am now feeling anxious for the new year to start. Ready to see what is going to happen. Looking forward to the changes that I am sure will occur - the unexpected and suprising. As I've reflected about this last year, it amazes me the changes that have occurred. Some good things that I couldn't have anticipated - a good friend that I would meet on a plane, another friend whose life has turned 180 degrees, finding out what community really looks like, being moved/challenged to become a leader, learning what transparency is, entertaining thoughts of writing a book, learning I have an artistic bent, challenged to care for the least of these, developing friendships at a level that I have always wanted. Other good things continuing - enjoying the discovery of learning new things about my incredible wife, watching my boys grow into their personalities, loving the extended family that we have been blessed to be a part of, getting the opportunity to invest in young people, reading and learning. There have also been changes that I would have liked to have avoided especially watching people I care about making choices to walk away. I am not who I was a year ago. Another year from now I will have changed again, hopefully becoming more like Jesus. Pursuing him this year will continue to refine me. Don't know that I will always like the process, but at the same time I can't wait for it to begin. Waiting to see what changes are in store for this new year. How have you changed in the last year?

Today

Read a phrase again today that I have heard several times - "a long obedience in the same direction." (Eugene Peterson) Kind of fits with where my mindset is these days regarding pursuing God. Today I can control the choices I make, the decision to pursue with all of my being, to reflect His glory, to take care of the least of these. The todays add up to that long obedience. I get overwhelmed with thinking about the future and what I need to be doing or the impact that I am suppose to have, but God wants me today. My whole focus on him for this day only, not wondering about tomorrow or what I did yesterday. I can do it today, that is what He wants. That long obedience occurs one day at a time.

Had a challenge last night from a friend that said let's move from talking about taking care of the least of these and start doing it. We have our schedules packed with Christian things, but are we taking care of those we have been called to look after? Have a idea of what that might look for me and honestly it will stretch me. Another person's passion who says lets do this, let's move today on what we know we are suppose to be doing. Don't know how the idea works or have all of the details, but know that is what I am suppose to do. I love the community I have surrounding me. A community that encourages me and that I have fun with, but also challenges me to live it out today. Moving forward, hoping the cumulative effect of my decisions today will impact the future. Hoping that 20 years down the road that when I am sitting with those friends that we can look back and say we have together moved forward in "a long obedience in the same direction." Making today the day that I pursue Him with all of my heart. What do you need to do today?

Bunny trail

Have you ever tried to explain something to somebody and received a blank stare back? Or have you been talking with another person and end up at the same conclusion but have no idea what the other person was talking about or how they got to their conclusion? Clear communication is tough. You battle the other person's biases, perspectives that have been shaped by their past, differences in how you process things, and personality differences. So how do you best communicate with someone else? I am learning that the biggest part of communication for me is the listening part. Listening to what they are saying, not what I want them to be saying, or thinking they may be meaning, but really hearing what they are talking about. Finding the bottom line of what they are saying and then figuring out how to explain to them what I mean in similar terms. Some people are story tellers and will best hear you when you talk to them through stories, some people are just-the-facts type people and hear the details without any extras thrown in, some "hear" you best through actions - there are multiple ways that people communicate. The trick is learning which one they are so that you can talk to them in their language. I am not really sure what type of communication is my style. I tend to be random, but can also be straight to the point sometimes. Definitely hear and believe actions speak louder than words, but also need the words to go with them a lot of the times. Love stories and seeing the example, but can also get lost in the story and not hear the point as well. Really I don't know that I have or that most people have one style of communicating. Not really sure why I am writing about this other than I question how well I communicate the important things to people. Wonder when I talk what people are thinking as they are nodding their head in agreement - Oh, that makes perfect sense! or What the heck is he talking about? or Are we even talking about the same thing? Probably on my mind as I have talked with a variety of people the last couple of days, and not really sure that I have communicated well in any of those circumstances. Well enough of my rambling about communication. Time to move on to other bunny trails.

Change - what's the cost?

Change - what does it cost? Been thinking some more about the whole New Year's resolutions idea. I think we want to change things a lot of times (why we have New Year's resolutions to begin with), but we don't want it to cost us anything. We want results with out the pain of getting there. We want to to skip the price paid to change. Can you have change without it costing you? I don't think so. Whether it is physical (watch the number of people at the gym in January and then compare that to how many are there in February) or to change some behavior, it is going to cost you something. Sometimes a radical change. Most people I know, don't like change. What I have decided is that the change isn't the scary part for them, it is what is going to cost. Giving up something, doing something new or different (cost is the anxiety of the unknown), giving up time, giving up something you enjoy - that is the cost of change. Usually for me that change isn't going to happen by myself, I need someone pushing me, encouraging me, reminding me why the price is worth it. I may be able to go so far on my own, but someone pushing me will help me past the limits I think I have. Another thing about change, there are no shortcuts. If we cheat or lie about where we are at in the process, it may look like we are changing to others but really we aren't. If we decide to workout 4 times a week, but then start explaining why we can't make it to the gym this week, my guess is that change isn't really happening. We have an idea of what we want to change, but we aren't willing to pay the price for that change. I have some things I am trying to change right now (call it long-term New Year's resolutions), I have people helping to encourage and push me in those areas, but if when they ask me about it I lie about the progess I am making, have I really sacrificed to change? Probably not. Change is a process, but it is one that requires a commitment, a willingness to pay the price over the long haul. If you really want to change something, consider the cost first. If you are willing to pay that price, find someone who can help you push it to the next level, and then start the process. Change has a cost, but usually it is worth it. What do you want to change?

Slowing down the pace

Funny how life seems to have a definite high energy and slower pace mode for me. I tend to go in mulitple directions at once or retreat from the frantic pace. Sometimes I think I would like to go at a more steady pace but I really don't like that very much (probably my neurosis with predictability). Honestly if I could sustain the high energy, especially relationship wise, I would, but God has wired me to rest. Been thinking through the idea of working from my rest, instead of resting from my work. When I step back and allow things to come to me (think basketball, of letting the game come to you instead of trying to force things) then I am much more productive. Running at a fast pace doesn't mean that I am getting anywhere fast, just expending a lot of energy. I think God created the Sabbath to help us refocus and to let the game come to us. He knows that we will spend lots of time and energy running around without really accomplishing much, so slowing down occassionally allows us to adjust and see things we might miss if we are running full speed ahead. I feel I have been in one of those slower times the last couple of days. My initial reaction is to start doing things... trying to force things to happen, but I think for me it is good to have the slower pace and just be still. That is one of the hardest things for me to do... just be still. But in the stillness, it gives me the chance to reflect on what is important to me and see if I am really investing in those areas. That is preparing me to work from my time of rest. Slowing down enough to adjust and now move forward with more energy and a more defined purpose. This is probably toughest for me to do in relationships. I love talking to people and being involved in their lives, but I think sometimes it is good for me to back away and adjust my focus and expectations. Let the game come to me and not force it. Probably doesn't make a lot of sense to most people, but for me it helps clear the clutter of where I am suppose to be investing my time. Not forcing it where I want to go, but allowing it to happen. What about you, do you work out of your rest or rest from your work?

New year's resolution with a twist

What if next year your only goal was to pursue God? No other agenda, no set list of things to accomplish, no worrying about the day to day stuff, but purely and simply chasing after God. Scary? Exciting? Overwhelming? Impossible? Irresponsible? What emotions or thoughts does doing something like that generate for you? I read an excellent post by Amy Storm's on this idea (by the way, if you don't read her blog you ought to as she is very talented writer) that got me thinking about what that would mean for me. Isn't that we are suppose to be doing anyway? Pursuing God as if our life depended on it (which it does by the way). Would my life be more radical, less hurried, less worried about things I can't control, more passionate about the "least of these"? Having only one passion and one goal to concentrate on. I think the rest of our lives would simply fall in line because we would be chasing the most important thing. We talk about having our priorities in order and wouldn't this be the ultimate priority list? I think our pursuit of Him would evolve as the year went on. It may look different at times in the way that we pursued Him, but the method isn't the point, the pursuit is. Could I truly accomplish it? Don't know, but I know by trying to pursue Him above all else would definitely shape my life, the actions I take, the decisions I make, every part of my life. Any takers on setting only this one goal for next year?

Wrapping up "Tribes" and a question for you

Finished reading Seth Godin's book "Tribes" this weekend and wanted to share a couple of final thoughts from it about leadership that stood out to me. The following are what he calls the elements of leadership:

• Leaders challenge the status quo.


• Leaders create a culture around their goal and involve others in that culture.


• Leaders have an extraordinary amount of curiosity about the world they're trying to change.


• Leaders use charisma (in a variety of forms) to attract and motivate followers.


• Leaders communicate their vision of the future.


• Leaders commit to a vision and make decisions based on that commitment.


• Leaders connect their followers to one another.

One other quote that I really like - "Remarkable visions and genuine insight are always met with resistance. And when you start to make progress, your efforts are met with even more resistance...the forces of mediocrity will align to stop you, forgiving no errors and never backing down until it's over." The more I've thought about it, this last quote really encourages and motivates me. I have met resistance in several of my ideas and they seem to take quite awhile to make progess and I was frustrated because I didn't understand why people didn't "get it". Looking at it now, I would say that the forces of mediocrity were at play. The comments of "we can't do that" or people pointing out why things would fail instead of building enthuisasm for change used to irritate me (still does sometimes), but really a lot of the time it is about us settling. Change requires work, so it is easier to settle and accept something that is mediocre than fight for the vision.

So what do you think about his definition of a leader? Know anybody who you would say has those 7 elements? Next book up for me is "Compassionate Leadership". There seems to be a theme running through my current reading selection. Another chance for some interactive participation here, sometime this week I will post a blog based on something you would like to hear my thoughts about (not that they are important, but as a way to start some dialogue). Not looking for anything in particular and if I don't find any that interest me that is fine as well, but curious what thoughts you would like to talk about.

I want to be a heretic and part of a purple cow

In the process of reading Seth Godin's book "Tribes" right now (about 3/4ths of the way through it) and wanted to post a couple of ideas/quotes from the book that I really like. A few thoughts of mine to follow those:

"Some tribes are engaged in change. Many are not. And it doesn't matter whether it's a church or a corporation, the symptoms are the same. The religion gets in the way of the faith. Static gets in the way of motion. Rules get in the way of principle. People show up because they have to, not because they want to. Desire is defeated by fear, and the status quo calcifies, leading to the slow death of the stalled organization."

"The only thing that makes people and organizations great is their willingness to be not great along the way. The desire to fail on the way to reaching a bigger goal is the untold secret of success."

"Workers in the balloon factory are always afraid, particularly of something happening. Things that happen are rarely good, because they disturb the status quo. That's why initiative is such an astonishingly successful tool: because it's rare."

"The largest enemy of change and leadership isn't a "no." It's a "not yet." "Not yet" is the safest, easiest way to forestall change. "Not yet" give the status quo a chance to regroup and put off the inevitable for just a little while longer. Change almost never fails because it's too early. It almost always fails because it's too late."

I am not a big fan of the status quo. I would have to say that I like the idea of being a unicorn in the balloon factory. Making people nervous because I might pop some of their balloons. I want to be a heretic - the person who challenges the status quo, the one who is willing to do it differently, the one who believes change is possible. Changing the status quo, gives you the opportunity to create something remarkable. I want our church to be remarkable like a "purple cow. Brown cows are boring; purple ones are worth mentioning. Those ideas spread; those organizations grow. Boring ideas don't spread. Boring organizations don't grow." I want to be part of something remarkable, something that is involved in being creative in reaching people, something that brings about change in people's lives, something that is different than the normal most people settle for. Being a heretic sounds like a good idea to me. They don't still burn heretics do they?

The number 17

The number 17 as in the number of years that we will have been married this weekend. I know, most of you of you are thinking that's not possible because we don't look a day over 29 and you know we didn't get married when we were 12. Really, thinking about it though, it is surreal that we have already been married that long. The great thing is that even though we have known each other close to 20 years now, that I continue to learn new amazing things about my wife. As we have changed our marriage has also changed and grown stronger. I look at my parents who have been married for 48 years and think about how much more I get to learn about my my wife and the chance I have to find out more things to love about her as we move towards that. Here are 17 things that are true about my wife and our marriage:

1. My wife's smile still captivates me
2. She is an amazing listener
3. I still love our date nights even though they may not be as creative as when we were dating
4. Love that my wife will listen to my outrageous ideas and even try them sometimes
5. We make it a priority to find time to talk about our lives and where we are at and where we are heading
6. That ministry has been woven into our marriage
7. That she is generous and loyal beyond my understanding
8. That our sex life is incredible! (Yeah, I will be in trouble for saying that one on here even though it is true.)
9. I had no idea what an wonderful, daring, winding road our lives would take when I proposed 17 years ago on Federal Hill in Baltimore
10. My heart still skips a beat when we hold hands
11. Am thankful that Becky (a mutual friend) made it possible for us to meet (Even though I about screwed it up by breaking up once. What a moron I was!).
12. That we have incredible friends and family as part of our lives and cherish that immensely
13. We will make it to Hawaii by our 20th anniversary
14. Feel God has given me way more than I deserve or could have ever imagined for a wife
15. Love when she rolls her eyes at my suggestions and pretends she doesn't like them
16. That we still have fun in our marriage
17. That I am more in love with her today than I thought was possible

AZero rocks my comfort zone

I really like AZero, our Wednesday night high school program. Lane's teaching usually manages to kick my butt and that is a good thing. I like that style of teaching/preaching that throws it out there in front of you and makes you wrestle with it. Definitely would say that teaching is one of Lane's gifted areas. Anyway, last night was a really cool time for me. Before we got started, I had the chance to catch up with one of our former students who is now in college. He is one of those success stories that makes you stick with youth ministry. A lot of time you see those students who decide to walk away from their faith during and after high school and it can break your heart and question why you even bother working with them. It is really encouraging and refreshing to talk with those students who have a passion for Christ and want to live out trying to follow Jesus. We had a small group and were definitely lacking in the guy department, but the worship time was amazing for me. I was in the back by David and it was so incredible to hear and see the passion he displays while we were worshipping. Worship time, in whatever form, is one of my favorite parts of any service and to be around others who pour themselves into that time is really encouraging for me. (By the way, Ryan did an awesome job of leading us in worship also.) I don't think I could summarize what all Lane covered so I won't even try, but I will share what I wrote down - "I suck at making Jesus famous." We are called to make our lives about Him and that is the bottom line. I realized how little I do that makes Jesus famous. I talk a lot about Him, but he wants more than our talk, he wants our whole lives to revolve around Him and about Him. I want my live to be about making Jesus famous. What does your life say to others?

Conversation with God

Do you like challenges? Here is the latest one that God threw my direction.

God: Know that person that you are pissed at right now... call him and find a way to love him. (And yes I think God would use the word pissed. Ticked off just doesn't do it sometimes.)
Me: Come on, I don't need to do that. I am sure he is busy.
God: Talk to him.
Me: Can't I just keep being mad? Let my anger build up some more?
God: Now.
Me: I need some time to make sure I don't say something I will regret later.
God: I'm waiting.
Me: Okay. Fine.

I am so glad that God keeps at my heart. He is relentless in His love for us and wants us to be the same with others. Will I get mad again? Probably. And I will probably have to learn the same lesson over again. It isn't about me, it is about God's love. Hard to do? You bet, but if we are going to try to be like Jesus then we shouldn't expect things to be easy. Rewarding...definitely, but not easy To my friend that I was pissed at, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me. What lessons are you learning these days?

Random ramblings

Lots of different rambling thoughts today. Also one of those days that I am not sure why I blog. Lots of questions, but not many answers - that pretty much sums up where I am at right now. Anyway, you guessed it, it is a bullet point day as my thoughts are so A.D.D. that I don't think I can stay on one topic. (Not that I usually do, but at least I usually try to.)

• Can a person be too transparent? Also what is our motive for transparency? Is it to say this is where I am at and need help or is it to say this is where I am at, affirm me?
• Am I a sponge when I ask for advice? Do I listen to it or am I looking for someone to agree with me?
• Ever wonder why God has you in a certain place or situation? I so often feel that I am winging it, but still have the feeling that God has placed me there for a reason. Wish he would let me know what that reason is more often? (Maybe... I guess sometimes that reason may scare me more if I knew what it was.)
• I envy people who approach life simply. Those who don't care what others think. Not saying it is right, but would be nice to not live in the tension most of the time.
• Can't shake the feeling that God is stirring in my heart for the homeless. Not sure what I do with that yet, but don't think it is a coincidence that one of my new friends has this passion as well.
• Am amazed at some of the changes I have seen in people recently. Good changes that I am glad that I get to be a part of.
• Strange how a very difficult situation that I was involved in (winging it again) provided affirmation for me in the process.
• Reading Seth Godin's book "Tribes" right now. A tribe is about connections. That sounds right up my alley.
• Like this quote from Anne Jackson's blog "being the church can look different in different ways and different environments." Let's allow for creativity and what that can look like. The cookie cutter approach doesn't work.
• Don't like when people don't follow through on what they say. Screams "you don't matter" in my head.
• Seriously love reading blogs. Wonder how I could make a living by doing that?

Feeling a little reflective today. Probably won't post again until I feel I have something more worthwhile to say (or something funny happens, or something ticks me off, or ... yeah, I will probably post again tomorrow even if I don't have much to say. Can't seem to help it.)

Good thoughts from another blog

Does the fact that God knows your thoughts, your motives, your inward attitude keep you awake at night? Do we know what it means to truly repent or is it part of a game we play? Does the fact we can saturate ourselves with things that aren't in line with God's holiness and then come to Him as if nothing has happened bother you? Go read Perry Noble's blog post called "Kissing toilets" and see what you think. What does it reveal about our hearts?

Two thoughts for the price of one

I am finding myself spending more time trying to get my mind around some tough topics. One is the realization that people I know, some even pretty well, may be going to hell. Yeah, I have always know that, but I don't live it with much urgency. I have rationalized in the past that I can't push them or say certain things around them as it may offend them and I may lose an opportunity when they are ready to talk about it, but really that is the easy way out. They may talk about a relationship with Christ in a theoretical sense or even go consistently to church, but that doesn't mean they are going to heaven. I think a lot of times, I am more concerned with how they will view me instead of the fact that they may be gambling with their eternity. Don't know when you cross that line from being concerned with them to being pushy, but I think I truly have a lot of room before I get to the pushy stage. Looking at some of the friendships that I have challenged, they really haven't been hurt any when I have questioned what they believe or how they are living that out. They may not agree and are fine with where they are at currently, but it doesn't change the fact that I need to be doing my part as well. Can't shy away from the tough assignments even though I would rather pretend a lot of times that everyone I know is going to be included with the lambs. Reality tells me otherwise.

Second thought is I wonder if I will ever be able to clearly say what I believe. I know the core of what I believe, but I have been challenged a lot recently in what all that means. Things I used to take for granted, I now wrestle with and try to figure out how that plays out in my life. Things I haven't really thought about or taken the time to look at seem to be popping up with greater frequency. I don't think it is a bad thing, but a sign that I am growing. I just wonder if it all makes sense at some point. Do we get to the place where the doubts or questions we don't know how to answer finally become clear to us? I feel like the more people I know, the more I study, the more I question, the less I know. Maybe I am just realizing that there aren't any easy answers. The circumstances, the people, my past all influence what I believe and that is constantly changing. What I believed with conviction 5 years ago may not be the same as today. Some days my head just hurts from trying to make sense of it all.

Our newest ornament

We have a new ornament on our tree now. It is a picture of my friend Brian. Why exactly you might ask? Well let's just say it seems like it was my 25th choice. Not that I don't love Brian and am thrilled to have his picture (in a stylish suit coat and all), it is just that it wasn't my first choice (or second or third or...). We had an ornament exchange for our Sunday school class this weekend with dirty Santa rules. For those of you who might not know what that means, it means that when it is your turn to pick you can open a new gift bag or steal from someone else if you like theirs better. After a couple of times being stolen the ornament is then frozen and can no longer be taken. Well it turns out that whatever ornament I picked tended to be the one everyone else wanted. So I got to open way more gifts than everyone else, but also ended up with the picture of Brian on the second to last pick. Amazingly the last person to pick didn't want it or as a matter of fact neither did his wife. (Some lame excuse on her part about already having the picture available on her computer to begin with. Weak excuse if you ask me.) The party was fun and more importantly it is a good reminder that we are part of an awesome community of friends (strange definitely, but also awesome. Matter of fact, I am now waiting on a picture of Lane to balance out the tree. I figure it they can give me such strange and unusual gifts for my birthday then they deserve a prominent place on our tree as well.) A huge part of community and doing life together is having fun. I love the fun we have with our core friends. I also know that if I needed one of them at 4 a.m. that they would be there as well. That is doing life together for me. The incredibly fun times as well as those moments on the other end of the spectrum. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have that type of community with our friends. The thing is that it doesn't happen by accident. It takes reaching out and investing in other people's lives - the good parts and the hard parts. If you don't have that community with some people right now, start the process and find some people to start living it out with. Trust me you won't regret it. You may end up with some strange ornaments, but also some incredible friendships.

Experience or do?

"There's a lot I want to exprerience, but not a lot I want to actually do." What do you think about that quote in regards to the church? I read this quote this morning on Seth Godin's blog and it got me thinking about us as the church. It often seems to me that we are about the experience of church, but not really living it out. The doing part is the risky part. The part where you may fail or people may criticize you for doing things differently. The experience part to me is a lot of times about me. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I belong. Me, me, me.... We can experience things and not really accomplish much. I think that experiencing something can mean being there but not really investing in it. I can experience a football game. Go and watch, cheer for my team to win, but I haven't really done much to impact the game itself. Now if I am out there playing, even if in a small role, I affect the outcome. I may miss a tackle or catch the winning touchdown, but at least I am in the game. Success or failure, I am doing something. What if the church became more about doing? We are known by the fruit we bear, not by the number of experiences we have. I know our faith isn't based on our works alone, but I think it is based on more than some talk and warm fuzzy feelings. What are you experiencing that you should be doing? An experience may be the launching pad to doing something, but at some point we actually have to do something. Invest somewhere today.

One word

I love spontaneity and randomness. I often ask questions that ask people to describe something in one word. When I ask how would you describe me in one word, as long as the answer isn't "predictable" we are going to get along fine. Predictable to me means boring. I know some people like predictable and that is okay as long as you allow room for things to shake up that predictability. I love the feeling of wondering what is coming around the corner in my life. What is the next big adventure that I get to be a part of? I don't have it figured out how to be reliable and dependable and still maintain that randomness that I desire, but I am willing to venture out and try to make it happen. I was recently described as challenging. Not sure that I like to be described that way either but at least it wasn't predictable. Okay, this is the interactive part of this blog. Some of you who read this consistently (or more than once) time for your participation. Based on reading this blog or if you know me well, what word would you use to describe me? (And it can't be "predictable" because I know some of you would do that just because. Also there is always an understood "and why?" when I ask a question.) (Bonus points for those overachievers - what word would describe you and what word don't you like used to describe you?) Participate today. Don't wait for the long lines to form. Make a move to take some action now. Don't make me call you out by name. Have fun and be creative!

Spring cleaning in December

I am in a mood to get rid of junk. This last week I was up in the attic getting down our Christmas decorations (We probably have enough stuff to decorate every room in our house and two trees at a minimum. Have to say my wife loves Christmas decorations, music and basically anything related to this time of the year.) when I came across some boxes with various stuff in them. Looking through these boxes I wondered why I had kept some of the things in there. Things that I am sure 5 years ago meant enough for me to save it, but looking at it today I couldn't tell you what significance it had. So out it is going. Some going in the trash, other stuff going to others who can hopefully get some use out of it. I found 3 coats of mine that I don't wear anymore and probably never will. Couldn't somebody living out on the streets, or somebody whose house got burned down, etc. get a lot more use out of those than letting them sit in our attic? I don't want more things to replace those either. I want to simplify. That doesn't mean we get rid of everything and live with the bare necessities (huge sigh of relief from our boys I am sure), but it does mean that I don't acquire more things just to have things.

I have also decided there is some other junk I need to get rid of. Things from my past that I have been carry around for too long, hurts, insecurities, doubts - you name it, we all have stuff we hold onto that really needs be thrown out. The hard part is that I know that this type of cleaning isn't a one time process. It will need to be done again and again as I start collecting more junk that I don't need. This is the area I really want to simplify my life in. Learning to live in the moment and not hold too tightly to the past or worry about what is coming around the corner. To live fully in the moment. Get a head start on your January resolutions and spring cleaning. What do you need to clean out?

Experiencing life to the fullest

I am learning to live life closer to the edge and not be so timid. Having the desire to shake things up and want to experience a more radical life. Learning to follow through and explore my dreams and not settle for thinking "maybe some day." Over the last six months or so, I feel the perfect storm has happened in my life. I feel I have drastically changed or probably a better definition is that I am becoming more of who I was created to be. Lots of who I am has always been there - the questions asked to better understand and challenge, the desire to have real relationships, the desire to challenge the status quo, wanting to be a better husband, dad and friend, the love of learning new things. All things that been a part of me for a long time, but the change is the way they are displayed in my life. What created this perfect storm? Hard to say what all has influenced it but a few things definitely stand out - the start of it was my changes in jobs. It seems my creativity (which is limited especially compared to the creative people I am surrounded with in my life) was freed up tremendously once the stress of my old job was removed. I want to do things in ways they have never been done before. I want to meet new people and challenge those who say things can't been done a certain way. Another huge factor was the influence of certain people in my life. I am challenged, humbled, motivated and extremely blessed by the impact of those friends. I know what transparency looks like, I know what humility looks life, I know the fun that can be had, I know what patience looks like, I know what "doing life together" means. Another part is the desire to expand my view of the world. This has been shaped by the books I read, the blogs that challenge and inspire me, the friends who are constantly refining my perspective. I see the homeless differently, I want to make a difference in our community and foreign places, I want to write, I want the Church to be what it was created to be, I want to lead even though I don't feel qualified, I want to be labeled a radical, the main thing is I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for mediocre friendships, I don't want to settle for "that is the way we have always done things", I don't want to settle for it can't be done, I don't want to settle for the American dream, I don't want to settle for being an average husband or dad, I want to challenge, push, and love differently than the norm. I still have doubts, I question what impact one person can make, I don't feel qualified or even have a clue what I am doing a lot of the time, but I want to live this one shot at life passionately and with purpose. I want God to say that is what I created you to be all along.

My ever-changing view of the world God sees

I simply devoured the book "Under the Overpass" by Mike Yankoski. A friend loaned me the book to read Monday night and I finished it within about two days. It is another one of those books that I think is redefining my worldview and what Christians should look like. I highly recommend this book. The book is basically Mike's journal as he stepped out from being a college student to being homeless for 5 months. He didn't do it as a project or even as a dare, but he needed to know if his faith in God was real and if he could actually be a Christian apart from the comforts he'd always known. The starting idea was this question - "What if I stepped out of my comfortable life with nothing bu God and put my faith to the test alongside of those who live with nothing every day?" Instead of trying to explain how it has challenged/encouraged me, here are a few of my favorite parts of the book that I marked to wrestle with as try to figure what God is placing in my heart.

• "What's worse? To not do dope or not love your brother? Why do we kick drug users out of the church while quietly ignoring those who aren't dealing with other, equally destructive sins? Why do we reject the loving, self-sacrificing, giving, encouraging, Jesus-pursuing drug addict but recruit the clean, self-interested, gossiping, loveless churchgoer? Which one do you suppose Jesus would rather share a burrito with under a bridge?"
• "The church was old and weathered. Above the mahogany double doors hung a sign in red letters: "No Tresspasing. Church Business Only." A new chain and two huge padlocks secured the gate at the sidwalk...Let's say your life is falling apart and you need help. Would you want to go there? Aren't the people in a sanctuary a whole lot more important that the sanctuary itself? We walked past a market that sold pop, beer, wine, cigarettes, pornography. The doors were wedged open. Ragged people came and went. It was one of the places that never close."
• "What says more about who you are in Christ - how loudly you say amen! in the service or how well you treat strangers in the foyer?"
• "What would happen, I wondered, if two rank, homeless strangers like Sam and I wandered in to enjoy the air-conditioning at my church back home? Good things, I hoped, but I wasn't so sure anymore. The months of rejection by church after church had given me my doubts. Regular church attenders tend to come to our places of worship to feel better, not to be hit with the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable, the threatening."

Thankful

I really love this time of the year. I know a lot of people kind of skim over Thanksgiving other than to eat and watch football (don't get me wrong I like that part of it to), but I like the fact we slow down at least for a few minutes and reflect on the things in our life that we appreciate. For me that reflection time shows that it is the people in my life that I am most thankful for. We run throughout the year doing this or trying to acquire that but when we really slow down to see what is important it turns out to be the people in our lives. Not rocket science, I know, but a good chance to stop and adjust our priorities. Consider that the day after Thanksgiving has become all about the stuff we can have and need according to the marketers. Maybe the day after can also include the chance to start reflecting a little more this next year about the people in our lives and how much they mean to us. Enjoy the eating, enjoy the football or enjoy the shopping, but let's not forget to actually give thanks as well. Take a minute to say thanks to God for the people impacting and investing in your life. Take a minute to let them know that you are thankful for their influence in your life and the part they play that no one else can. Happy Thanksgiving!

I am a good person...really?

I find it interesting that a lot of times we try to sugar coat the truth and make us sound better than we really are. We say things like - I am really doing well except for this one area. Or - I am good person most of the time I just occassionally slip up. Really? What is our measuring stick? Other people? I guess in that sliding scale we may be doing okay. Is our measurement in the "big" things? No murder, no affair, haven't been drunk - check, so I must be doing well. Been reading through Jeremiah recently with a friend and have noticed that God doesn't sugar coat calling out His people. He calls them on the carpet and says quit "whoring" yourself with other gods. Is our focus on pleasing ourselves most of the time? Then we probably aren't doing as well as we thought. Is our time and resources spent only on making us happy? Then we probably aren't as healthy as we think. Do we lie (no distinction between a little white lie and a big whopper), do we pursue other relationships more than we pursue God, do we justify our actions (if we have to justify it we are probably missing the point), do we excuse the little sins (don't think God sees a difference between them even though we want to use our sliding scales)? Not trying to be negative here but I think we need to stop playing the church game of "I'm doing okay". Let's get real with one another. We all have areas that need drastic improvement, so what are we going to doing about it? Talk about it - okay for a starting point, but don't let it end there. Pursue the radical changes that you know God is calling you to make. Usually that means finding someone, being transparent with them and then some accountability. (By ourselves, we can justify about any action we take so I think we need someone else to be invested in us as well) We aren't meant to do life by ourselves. We are community called to pursue God. Let's start doing that. Radical? May seem that way, but it is so worth it! It may be tough and suck at times (believe me it will be at some points), but I don't want God to call me a whore while I am pretending that I am doing just fine. Check how that worked out for the Israelites when you get the chance.

What are you leading?

What is a leader? I have been thinking a lot about what qualifies someone as a leader. There are people with titles that indicate they are leaders, but they don't really seem to lead. Likewise there are others without any particular title or role, but who I would say are leaders. So position doesn't seem to be the determining factor. The more I have thought about it, a lot of what it comes down for me is taking action. Leaders lead. Pretty simple huh? That requires action though, not just talk. I have thought about leadership, but that doesn't make me a leader. I have talked about being a leader, but that doesn't make me a leader either. How do I lead? By doing something. If it creates momentum and people follow then you are a leader. If no one is following or there isn't any action at some point, then probably there isn't leadership. Not to long ago I had some conversations about things that I felt needed to be taking place in our church. Wisely, those with me basically challenge me to be the leader in those areas if I was passionate about them. It boiled down to one of my favorite questions to ask - So what? What are you going to do about it? We often want to talk about things and then wait for someone else to take the lead. That isn't necessarily leadership. It may be a part of it, but often we need to take some sort of active role in creating forward motion. Are you passionate about something? If so, that may mean you are the one to lead. I can recognize a good idea, but if I am not passionate about it then I probably won't be the best leader. I can support leadership in that role, but not lead. Coming back from Catalyst there were two primary things that I felt passionate about and felt that pull to answer the "so what?" question. I have put one of those in motion. That may have been the momentum for it to carry forward or it may require more action on my part. I don't know yet. The thing is that without the action I can tell you were that idea would be now. It would still be just a discussion that took place, but wouldn't have created any difference. The other idea? I have plans for that as well. The plan has been formed in my mind, now I need to move it into action. (Brian and Lane consider yourselves warned about "white space days" coming in the near futue.) What is it you should be leading? Do you have an idea? Got a plan? Sounds like all it may need is some action to get it going. Let's start putting some action to our lives and move beyond just talking. Talking is good (I love that part of it), but we also need to do more than talk or things will never change.

Beaten

I feel beaten up each Sunday morning recently. That's not a bad thing, but it sure is draining. We have been going through a series on finances and what that should look like. The thing is this is probably the area I have struggled with the most in my life. I know what I am suppose to do, but because of poor choices in the past I have a long uphill battle to go. So each Sunday I feel beaten up knowing that I fall so short of what God has called for me to be. Just imagine that whatever it is you struggle with being the topic of conversation for 5 or 6 weeks straight. Honestly it is tough to go on Sunday knowing that what we are talking about is what I need to hear. Makes me wonder when we talk about other things if other people have those same feelings. Wondering as they sit there if they are the only ones who seem to struggle with that topic. I have made a real push recently to be transparent with those people who are close to me and doing life with us. It isn't easy a lot of the time, but I think if we The Church are ever going to really make an impact in people's lives they are going to have to see something different in us. People who have problems just like them but who are real about their struggles and trust in God and others around them to help. Basically we have three choices when it comes to the things we struggle with - we can put on our happy faces and pretend it isn't there, run away from having to deal with it or face it and work through it. By far the last one is the toughest, but the only way real change will come about. So I sit through another Sunday feeling like crap knowing that even though it may be tough that God is working in my life. What do you need to deal with? Probably not the same thing as me, but let's start laying our cards on the table and being real about our struggles. Let's be different and stop pretending that we have it all figured out.

Two thoughts and a question

Read about a survey of 50 people over the age of 95 that were asked the following open-ended question - "If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?" Three answers were consistently mentioned in the results of the study. The three answers were:

• If I had it to do over again, I would reflect more.
• If I had it to do over again, I would risk more.
• If I had it to do over again, I would do more things that would live on after I am dead.

Sounds like things we could start doing now instead of waiting until later in life to wish we had done. What do we need to reflect on, risk, and invest in today?

Have been reading Philippians the last several days and noticed the contagious happiness and joy throughout Paul's letter. Take these brief verses out of chapter 1 (Message version). "Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamation of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart." (Philippians 1:3) "So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well...Live a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." (Philippians 1:9-11) We can't teach happiness. Yeah we can talk about it, but most of it is caught by being around someone who shows by their behavior what it is. Do we show that joy of following Christ to those whose path we cross daily and are watching us closely?

Finally a question that I have been thinking about. What is the difference between being content and settling? I struggle with the line between those two things. I hear people say we need to take things where they are at, but does that mean we are content or settling? I want to be okay with where I am at in life, but I don't want to settle in that spot. A lot of time I think we call settling contentment so that it excuses us from trying to change things. I want to be content with circumstances, but I don't want to settle for the fact that we can't change them. I want to always be risking and pushing forward, but doing so knowing that where I am at is part of the process. To me it is fine line that a struggle with finding the balance in. What do you think? I have been told that I have high expectations, but I don't want to settle for less than those. How does contentment fit into that? Those are some of my thoughts from this last week while I was unplugged from my normal world.

Moving from talking to jumping

Yesterday was one of those "Ah ha" type days for me. 4 different ideas I have been thinking and talking about for awhile moved to taking a leap. Why taking a leap? Because even though I had thought a lot about these things I still don't have them all figured out. That is the leap part. Jumping into the unknown and taking action. Often I feel we get stuck in the talking part. We talk about what we are going to do in the future when things line up right, we have the right resources, when we have the time, when whatever...for me that never happens. The perfect time usually doesn't exist, so we end up just talking and never putting feet to our ideas. That wears me out when people talk about things but don't follow through. I think that is why sometimes we can be seen as hypocritical by others. We talk a lot, but really don't do much. The things I did aren't huge or radical (maybe different as I tend to approach things from a different viewpoint than a lot of people), but they were steps in the right direction for me. It was being willing to initiate some change to hopefully help create some momentum, to ask questions and hopefully start some discussions that are long overdue, to jump into a new friendship, and to step back from some others. Not huge things in themselves, but movement instead of just more talk. Talking and thinking are big parts of the process, but don't let it end there. Where do you need to take a jump? What do you need to risk without knowing how it will turn out?

Challenge

Read the following challenge from Perry Noble's blog and just had to laugh because God is disturbing me in a big way over the last couple of days. He wrote on his latest entry... "I challenge you to pray that God will disturb you in a way that causes you to take action and seek Him with your whole heart! (Jeremiah 29:13)" I've been praying to be disturbed and I think He is now calling me to action. Can't say that I feel prepared, but if I am going to challenge people to risk failure then I guess I have to as well. Don't like when God uses what I tell someone else, to turn around and challenge me. He is sneaky like that. Great sense of humor though. He must laugh when he hears me say something and goes "Oh, that will come back to bite you before you know it."

Thoughts from a sleep deprived mind

Bullet point day again. Working on about 4 hours of sleep so forgive me if the thoughts are a little random (that happens regardless of the amount of sleep) and may not make total sense. These are few things that I like...

• Jamba Juice drink and yogurt to start the day off.
• Love the e-mail (more like a book actually) from my sister-in-law about community. Good to hear that others crave community as much as I do.
• Love to be involved in meeting other people's needs anonymously. The ability to bless them and let God receive the praise.
• The fact that people can surprise me by responding differently than I would have guessed.
• Love that my wife and I talk frequently about life and that she puts up with my random thoughts (still think my weight management plan is an excellent idea!)
• That God has given me a taste of what community will be like someday.
• Love transparent people. Have had the opportunity to get to know two people like that in the last several months. Have to say it has changed who I am more than anything in recent years.
• Like the fact that I can still learn and change. Don't ever want to stop learning.
• Love that I have friends who challenge me.
• Like the fact that our Sunday school class is willing to try new things and wants to serve others.
• I get the opportunity to invest in high school and college students lives.
• Like reading blogs and books that motivate and challenge me.

These are a few things that I like and am thankful for. What brightens your day?

Two more quick thoughts

1) Read the following quote from a session by Mark Batterson - Seth Godin says, "If you are not remarkable, you are invisible." So many of us as church leaders aren't doing anything remarkable.

A lot of my favorite quotes tend to come from him recently. The point for me is that we need to be doing some remarkable things as a church, otherwise who cares. Are we invisible to the community around us? Need any more motivation to shake up the status quo? I don't!

2) Had lunch with a friend that I've known a long time today. We used to work together for a couple of years and have maintained a friendship through all of the job and location changes between us. There have been some major things that have impacted him over the last several years that we hadn't really talked about. Didn't know whether to bring those up or not since it has been probably at least a year since we last talked. Decided last night that life is too short to waste time not talking about the important things. So glad I did. It was good to hear his heart and to honestly talk about the struggles he has faced in dealing with those situations. Kind of where my heart has been heading for some time. Transparency and realness are rarely easy, but it is lot healthier than ignoring the problems or stuffing them. We also talked about another co-worker/friend we had worked with during that time who committed suicide several years ago. He was the one who rarely showed that things bothered him. Always the one to make us laugh. I wondered at some points if there was something going on with him but didn't want to be blunt or risk the awkward questions. Wonder if the outcome would have been different if I was willing to risk my uncomrfortableness to be real and ask what was going on? We don't have time to hint about the things going on in our lives, it is time to be transparent. Have something going on with you, then find someone and tell them about it. Wondering if someone is hurting, then ask them. Let's get on with being a real community.

Rambling thought of the moment

Love when I read something that hits where I am at. Between the things I talked to my wife about last night (my passion for community and how I think most people don't see it the way I do), the chapters I read this morning from Psalms and James, and then the following thoughts from one of the blogs I try read talking about leadership:

• One of the struggles that I feel leaders face is the one to stay focused...
• If focus is going to be maintained... it isn't going to happen by accident, you will have to fight for it.
• a move of God will have two characteristics... It will fire people up! It will piss people off!
• I seem to have the spiritual gift of pissing people off...and I'm perfectly okay with that...if I am constantly making people happy then I'm not hearing from Jesus!

I think I sometimes share his spiritual gift. Don't know if I piss people off, but I do think I make a lot of people uncomfortable. Some people I don't mind pissing off, others it is more of a struggle because I really want to be accepted by them. I will keep trying as one day it will all make perfect sense, right? Lots of questions, few answers... that is the theme of my life.

Shortest post ever

It stops now. I am tired of all of the talk. For me it is about relationships. My relationship with God and my relationship with others. The rest of the crap doesn't matter. Love God, love others - can't get much more direct than that.

Creativity source for me

Apparently it is going to be one those multiple post days for my blogging. I woke up this morning with a bunch of different thoughts and creative ideas (at least creative for me). Matter of fact, I thought of several on my work today. I imagine it was rather entertaining for other people if they saw me as I didn't have any paper in the car so as I came to a stoplight I would scribble my random ideas wherever I could find open space on the newspaper. This while at the same time trying to send a few text messages to people on ideas or questions so that I wouldn't forget them as well. I have determined that for me those creative ideas come mostly after I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with people in my community. Those extended, uninterrupted times of talking and sharing life. I really don't want to be just another slot in someone's schedule. I know that isn't how people usually intend it, but that is how I feel. It is a rushed and somewhat disjointed conversation. I never fully engage when I am on the clock. Not sure how that works in the day to day for others as we live in the world of an hour or less in most things we do. Our schedules are so packed (mine included) that we leave little margin for anything else in our lives. For me that means I may have to sacrifice some things (probably sleep either in the morning or late at night) to have that quality time when others are available if possible. I know that I am wired way differently than most people. I don't want to be one more thing that somebody has to fit into their overbooked schedule or rush through to mark off the calendar. I want to savor and engage in the conversations that I am in. I want to fully be there and not wondering how I can get to the next thing on my schedule. I want to make the people in my life my priority and not the checklist of things I need to get done.

Living it out

Not sure how to express my thoughts right now. I just had an office-wide meeting to let us know that one of my co-workers just died from the cancer he had been battling. I had only really met him once so on a personal level it didn't impact me a whole lot, but the actions of my co-workers have spoke volumes. The head of our office and the head of his department had gone to see him last Friday and spend time with the family. Today when they let us know that he died this morning there were a lot of tears shed and memories shared about him. There was concern about his family and how to help them financially. I saw a family hurting and that is something I haven't ever experienced in the workplace. The thing that really took me by suprise was that after the meeting we had a time of prayer. I don't work for a Christian organization, but there are lot Christians who work here. As imperfect as we may be in our Christian walks and the variety of personalities and opinions that exist here, the fact that we did something that in most environments would be considered politically incorrect simply floored me. People trying to live their faith and make an impact has carried to the values of this office. I am simply blessed and amazed to be working here.

An amazing letter

I love to get mail especially notes or letters. (Bills and junk mail really just don't do much for me.) I am keeper of those notes. I have notes from when Lisa and I were dating (we are talking notes from 18 or 19 years ago - classics), notes written to us from the youth when we were in New Orleans for an extended stay (some from a student who is now one of our closest friends almost 15 years later), notes of encouragement from friends, notes saying this is what you have meant in my life, basically all kinds of notes that mean something to me (I still love getting these types of letters in case you feel the desire to write one). I will occasionally read some of these notes when I get in a mood to reorganize stuff and be amazed at the people who I have been fortunate enough to have invest in my life. The funny thing is there is one letter that I tend to take for granted. I was talking to a friend last night (one of those awesome rambling and random conversations that cover things happening in our lives) when he quoted a couple of verses from James (can't remember the exact quote this morning, lack of sleep will do that to you) that really made me stop and think about the awesome letter (the Bible) God has written to me telling me why he loves me and what he sees in me. It is one of his ways of telling me where he sees me fitting in His story. The role I get to play. It is an incredible story and letter that each time I go back to it, it shows me something new and different (not that I always understand it or follow it like I should, but that is part of the ongoing relationship with Him). The cool thing is, like my friend did last night, we can share this letter with others because it is written to them as well. Share the story that is your life with others (that is what community is anyway). Take a moment out of your busy day and write a note letting someone know how much you appreciate them or what they mean in your life. Let's add to someone else's collection of meaningful letters.

Tweaks won't cut it

Been looking over my notes on leadership from Catalyst again as it has been almost a month since we were there. Good thoughts that I will probably keep coming back to for quite awhile. Reviewing the random thoughts on leadership that Andy Stanley talked about in the final session. I think we as a church could spend an entire year wrestling with these five quotes and if we could honestly answer them then we would dramatically change things. I often think we hear a good idea, think about it, and then move on without ever really doing anything with it. We are the ultimate consumers without ever really doing anything. He quoted Craig Groeschel who said "To reach people no one else is reaching, we must do things no one else is doing." The take away thought was this - become preoccupied with those you haven't reached as opposed to those you are trying to keep. Sadly, I think as the leadership of the church we become focused on those we are trying to keep instead. We don't want to change things as it may upset people. We think a tweak here or there is a major accomplishment and we pat ourselves on the back for being such forward thinkers. Tweaks won't get it, we need to try things that are radically different. Don't know what those things are but I want to hear people's ideas on what we need to try. I can tell you that changing from hymns to current worship songs isn't the answer. That is still looking inward for the most part and not really reaching people no one else currently is. We mistake people coming in from a different church as reaching new people. It isn't in my opinion. That is just working to keep people happy already in the kingdom. Don't know the answers, but that is why I think we need to be wrestling with these ideas. If it was easy, what would the sacrifice be in that. What radical ideas have you seen or think we should be trying as the church? Don't wait on someone else to come up with the ideas, but think about the people you know and what it would take to reach them. Think your idea is too radical - then that may possibly be the one we need to be pursuing. Let's start being more than consumers and being the radicals we were called to be.

Ideas for a book

Since I didn't have much else to do on the plane today (besides watch the cute old couple next to me who I think it must have been their first time to fly), I started daydreaming again about writing a book. Don't know that I have much to say that hasn't already been said before but ever so often I get the idea to start writing one. Even picked out a title - "What the hell are you thinking?" Went for the shock factor as I was imagining someone like the lady who runs the library at our church trying to decide what to do with it because of the title. Also funny to imagine people talking about it at church and trying to decide if they should say the title or substitute heck in there. (I know, I have a twisted sense of humor. Just imagine the things I edit out that don't make it on here. Like I said in an earlier post, I am more comfortable these days being called radical or different.) Anyway, some of the topics I thought about for chapters included:

Transparency - willing to risk being real
Wrestling - living in the tension
Friendship - what does it take to make it worth having
Jumping - risking the chance to fail
Dreaming - what could be accomplished if we followed the dreams God gives us

Another one of those dreams that may or may not happen, but love the wild dreams God has been planting in my heart. Dreams not about succeeding in the world, but dreams about making a difference. My biggest fear is that when I am done here on earth that God will say to me - Yeah, but what difference did you make for me? I know that I often don't know whether I am making a difference or not (don't like that at all, but that is how it is for me most of the time), but I have to be willing to follow those dreams wherever they lead. So if you know me, what other topics might make good chapters for me to write? Let me hear your feedback. If you are going to read my thoughts, at least give me some suggestions.

Thoughts from 35,000 feet

Over the last several weeks of flying to various places and living out of hotels, I have written about 6 pages of notes about ideas and questions I have. A page about a dream to make a difference that I haven't had the chance to share with my fellow dreamers yet. Another page about questions related to the idea of "white space" sessions on leadership. A page of notes from the book "Faith & Doubt" and ideas from it that made me think. Another page of random things I learned about myself and questions I have about why I am like I am. So on and so on. Lots of ideas and questions that I am ready to move on. I am ready to jump or at least throw the various ideas on the table and discuss them with others. Here are some of the random thoughts from my last page of notes from 35,000 feet in the air:

• We all have unique stories of how we got to this point in life and can learn a lot from other people's stories


• I am drawn to transparent people and feel the freedom to be more of myself around them


• I like to wrestle in those areas of doubt and the unknown, not theoretically but in how they impact lives


• I have an artistic bent and enjoy the creative side more than I ever realized


• Realization that wishful thinking doesn't change my reality


• Like non-traditional friendships and don't really care what normal looks like


• Don't want to waste my energy trying to make certain friendships work and am okay with some of those shifting to a different type of friendship (see friends in basically three circles - close friends who I share life with on the deepest levels, good friends who we have some areas or interest in common and buddies who I like to hang out with and have fun with but don't really know my thoughts and passions)


• Brought to my attention again that God moves in some really strange ways and I think he does that intentionally


• It is more convenient to lie than tell the truth a lot of times, but why?


• Good listeners brighten my day and encourage me


• Why are some people in leadership positions when they don't make very good leadership decisions?

This is how my mind usually works. Which may explain why I have heard from 5 different people in the last couple of weeks that I am hard to read. Translation - what the heck are you thinking because we don't understand you and you don't talk very much. The last part makes me laugh because when I get talking about something I am passionate about I don't usually shut up. Ask my wife, as I tend to start talking to sort things out and that usually takes a couple of hours. (Usually late at night when others are ready to start winding down.) Life is good, but I am ready to start doing somethings instead of just thinking about things.

Final thoughts on "Faith & Doubt"

A couple of quotes from "Faith & Doubt" that I really like.

• The Christian faith is bi-polar. Disciples live their life between worship and doubt, trusting and questioning, hoping and worrying.
• Disciples are not people who never doubt. They doubt and worship. They doubt and serve. They doubt and help each other with their doubts. They doubt and practice faithfulness. They doubt and wait for their doubt one day to be turned to knowing.

I especially relate to the first quote. I feel I go from trusting God completely, to questioning what I am suppose to do next. My faith exists with unknowns. I wrestle with issues. I don't doubt my faith, I just don't understand how it always works. Faith is not a guarantee that you will have all of the answers (actually I feel I have less definites now than several years ago), but you have to trust the one who is going to catch you. One final quote from the book:

• The last words used to describe the disciples in the gospel of Matthew - our last glimpse of men who followed Jesus for three years, learned from him, and saw him crucified and resurrected: "Then the eleven disciples went to...the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted" (Matthew 28:16-17) This is an amazing picture. They have seen him, listened to him, followed him, studied him, and seen him crucified and ressurected - and the last thing we read about them is "and some doubted." Matthew doesn't cover this up. He points it out.

Sharing your life...sort of

Had an interesting conversation with a friend mine recently about his view on relationships. He is in a very public position as a pastor so he as all sorts of people who think they know him. Because of this he has been come even more guarded in who he develops friendships with. He stated that he really doesn't have the desire or need for any new people to be close to him. He shares things happening in his life in his messages and therefore people think they know him well so he has become skeptical of people's motives, power trips, etc. and doesn't really let many people in. I can't relate to this at all. I love getting to know people on that deeper level. Knowing what makes up their story and has shaped who they are today. Sharing at that level is kind of the safe way in my opinion. This last weekend, I was in a setting with about 25 people. We were discussing things and I decided to share some of where I am at regarding leadership. The thing is that I realized that though I was vulnerable in why I question my leadership role, etc. I wasn't really risking much in sharing. I controlled the environment. I could leave out pieces of the puzzle. If it had been a one on one situation or smaller setting, questions probing what I meant could have been asked. Don't read this wrong, I think there is value in sharing in the larger settings, but if that is the only place you share part of your heart, I think you are missing out. Contrast that situation with later that night I was talking with a close friend who was able to ask the deeper questions about where I am at in life right now and challenge me. I think we need some of both. Even this blog only reveals part of who I am. I share a lot of my thoughts here, but those 4 or 5 people who I do life with see even more of me (whether that is good or bad you would have to ask them). Find those people who make up your community and jump into life together. Don't settle for the lite side of doing life together. Risk being vulnerable and transparent and really share your life with some other people. I don't think you will regret it.

What does your soul long for?

Do you ever stop and wonder what it is your soul really longs for? Things seem to be running by so fast these days that it is rare that we stop and listen... really listen. Since I've been living the nomad life the last couple of weeks (Can't imagine wandering in the desert for 40 years!), I've had lots of time to just be quiet. It is kind of unsettling at first to have so much quiet time especially when I am use to lots of noise around our house. During that time of slowing down, I've begun to sift through the things that my soul really longs for and trying to compare it to things that God's heart longs for. Unfortunately they aren't always the same, but I know that he isn't finished with me yet. The way he is refining those things is through the circumstances I encounter and through the people who are shaping me. Talking to a friend last night and he mentioned the scripture that talks about how iron sharpens iron. I definitely understand and appreciate that so much. The friends who have helped shape the rough spots of my life and help my come closer to having the heart of Jesus. What dreams has God placed on your heart? What place in your soul is waiting to be filled? How do we do this thing that we have been called to live out? It is a process that takes place day by day through our everyday routine. Take the time to stop and listen. Take the time to ask others. Never stop being a learner.

Thoughts that capture where I am at these days

Ran across the following quotes on one of the blogs I try to occassionally read:

• We've got to get to the place where we believe Jesus is absolutely right about absolutely everything.
• If you're not ticking off religious people you're not following Christ. Can't have a reformation without offending a few Pharisees along the way!
• 50% of our church budgets ought to go to the "the least of these" Our we putting our money where our mouth is?
• Truth that only makes it into our head is informational. But truth that penetrates the heart is transformational. Reformation isn't the byproduct of good ideas. It's the byproduct of deeply held convictions.
• Christianity has become a way of thought instead of a way of life. We've created a culture of where we know more and do less all the while thinking we're growing spiritually.
• If you don't change you become part of the problem.

I have been thinking recently a lot about how we do things as a church (locally, not as in the big picture this time) and several of the above sum up my thoughts of what we need to do or change pretty well. I don't ever want to settle for the status quo, but also don't just want change for change sake. Radical and different - I am more and more okay with those being used to describe me. Actually, I hope those are the kinds of words that people use to describe my faith. I don't want to run over people with new changes, but I also don't want to wait for a long time for everyone to get on board either. I don't want to be part of the problem, but I do need to become part of the solution. Ready for an adventure? I am feeling some change is coming our way if the radicals of the church start living it out. Are you a radical?

Lost art of time

Something I've noticed recently is that people don't have the time for conversation and just to hang out and enjoy each other's company. We always seem to be on an overbooked schedule. Watching our watches, checking our text messages, trying to get to our next meeting on our schedule but not really slowing down enough to be in the place where we are at currently. One of the things I really enjoyed about getting to know my friend from Vegas was that we didn't have to hurry our conversation. We were able to hang out for 6 or 7 hours and talk. Not rushed, not an hour slot to try to fit in a conversation, but just time to enjoy hanging out and do things together. We were away from our calendars and our normal routines. For me relationships are a big part of my life, but it is hard to develop those when you are trying to fit it in for an hour on someones calendar. I know that sometimes that is the just a season of life, but it seems to me that is more a lifestyle than just a season for most people. We've lost the art of being together. Kind of reflects the way that society as whole is dysfunctional in its' relationships. Relationships don't happen in the forced confines of an hour, but as you spend time around each other doing life. My wife asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday and it got me thinking that the thing I most want is time. I don't want another new gadget or something that a year from now will be out of style, but time spent with good friends is what I really enjoy. It seems to have become one of those MasterCard priceless items. The funny thing to me is that time should be one of the easiest things to give, but for most people today it is one of the hardest things to come by. Why are we running so fast and running by those people in our lives? Time to slow down and invest in something that matters - other people. Hope you have an incredible, relaxing day spent with the important people in your life. Make the time, it is so worth it!

Make footprints worth following

Noticed on our refrigerator this morning a red ribbon that had the quote "Make footprints worth following." It was from the boys' Red Ribbon week (a drug awareness campaign) at school. It got me thinking that should be our theme through life. The reality is that we are making footprints, the question is are they worth following? I may try to convince myself at times that the choices I make in life don't effect anyone but myself but or are insignificant but really I am leaving a trail of my choices that will impact someone. I can look at my life and see the times when I have clearly followed someone else's footprints and realize that my path also will be followed and run alongside others. So how do you make ones worth following? For me it requires constant examination of my motives and choices along with friends who will tell me when my path is heading in a wrong direction. I desire the warning signs from those close to me that my trail is not making a path worth following or that I am going in the right direction. Can't tell what type of footprints you are leaving ask someone close to you? We are leaving them and people do notice. Make them worth following.

Push and pull of life

I feel I live in the in between of life. Never fully on one side but consistently in the tension of the middle of things. Kind of like the title of the book I am reading - "Faith & Doubt". Not only in the middle of those two items but also between change & consistentency, radical & conforming, leader & follower, transparent & fake, and probably several more. Maybe it is just my Jekyll and Hyde personality or as I tell my wife I think I might by schizophrenic. One day I have radical ideas and authentic relationships and then the next day I question whether those ideas even make sense and wonder if those relationships were ever real. This is where I live. Rarely fully content, but questioning and thinking through things (maybe even a little too much). For me I think this is what it means to be in this world, but not of it. I have questions, relationship holes, etc. that only God can fill. I want those filled and get tastes of them occasionally but never fully satisfied. The good thing is that tension is constantly shaping and refining who I am. I understand when people say "yeah, but you aren't like most people" (heard that one this morning) and know that tomorrow I will probably be even a little bit more different. Most of the time I am okay with that, other times I question why I am like this. This is where I live right now between the push and pull of life. If you don't live in this tension right now, enjoy the beauty of the moment. Be fully where you are at and thank God. If on the other hand you can relate to this tension, know that you are being shaped and that at least for today I can understand where you are at.

Things on my mind today

Been a long but interesting week. Here are few random thoughts as I reflect on the week so far.

• Glad I ventured out and started a conversation this week with a stranger. Not my normal comfort zone but I think this is an area I am growing in right now. I've met lots of new people recently and really enjoy it. Not sure how that works with my desire to take friendships to a deep level, but just another area of tension I will wrestle with.


• Decided I am wimp. Had the opportunity to share my passion for Christ last night and didn't take it because the enivronment wasn't favorable. What would it have cost me other than some uncomfortable conversation? Time to man up. Hard to say that I would die for Jesus when I didn't even risk being uncomfortable around some co-workers.


• Realized again how important it is to be surrounded by people who will encourage and build you up. If I hadn't had the opportunity to be around a couple of those people this week, it would have been a very draining week. Don't know how people do it without having a community around them.


• If you have a vice of any kind, you probably shouldn't spend much time in Vegas alone. There is a reason it is called Sin City.


• Love the mountains. Manage to hike at Red Rock Canyon three times this week (maybe a fourth today). A couple of those times were a good chance to slow down and try to hear God. Good to have Him take a look at my heart.


• Ready to be home and spend some time with my family. Don't understand how people travel all the time for their jobs. I like to travel and see new places, but think it would get real old real fast if I did it all of the time.

Just a few of the things bouncing around in my tired mind today. Take a few minutes and reflect on your week. Have you seen God move in it? Have you found out something about yourself? Good to stop and reflect every so often in this 100 mph world we live in.

Convictions

Had the chance to make it back out to Red Rock Canyon to do a little more hiking/rock climbing yesterday. It was nice to sit on the top of the Calico rocks (Red Rock and Calico are my two favorite areas to hike and climb) and just be quiet. You are surrounded by so much noise and action on the strip that it was a good change of pace for me. Gave me a little chance to reflect on what I've been reading out of John Ortberg's book "Faith & Doubt".

He was talking about the 3 different types of convictions we have. The first one is public convictions (think politicians for this one). This is what I want other people to think I believe, even though I may not really believe them. These are the things we say out loud. If you ask someone what their convictions are in life these are the ones you will hear. They may be the same as the other two convictions but not necessarily. The second one is private convictions. These are the things I sincerely think I believe, but turns out they may be fickle. These are the convictions that we believe, but find out we may not really believe them when our circumstances change. The final one is our core convictions. These are the ones that are revealed by our daily actions. They show by what we actually do. They basically can be summarized by the convictions we say, think and reveal. The last one is the one that I want to focus on in my life. What does the way I live reveal about my convictions? To those of you who know me, I would love your feedback on this. Is there a connect between the the things I say and believe and the way I actually live out life? As I stated in an earlier blog, Vegas is a great place to reveal what people's core convictions are. I have seen people who in Tulsa state certain convictions, but those don't match what I see here. My desire it to line these three up as much as possible with the way that Jesus lived. Ortberg talked about the "mental map" we have (the way things really are and the way life really works). For Jesus these were the same thing. That is where I want to be that my convictions are the way that things really are. Good thoughts to sort through while having a fantastic view of the surrounding mountains and the strip from my spot on the the top of the mountain. Gives renewed meaning to a mountaintop experience.

Thoughts from another world

Read this quote from Madeleine L'Engle in John Ortberg's new book that made me stop and think

Those who believe they believe in God

but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind,

without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair,

believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.

Like that quote a lot because I often have doubts and uncertainty. I think I know what God desires but often question the way it all works. My doubts and questions often lead to a deeper faith in God because I can't wrap my mind around it.

Some random thoughts from the last couple of days:

• Want to know what a person is really like? Take a trip to Vegas with them. Since anything seems to be fair game here, people tend to bring out into the open the things they normally think or do in private. Interesting things to learn about people and yourself.
• If the money that was spent by people in Vegas in one night was put towards some of the bigger global issues like clean water in Africa or aids, I think a huge impact could be made globally.
• People that are drunk aren't nearly as funny as they think they are. Would love to video tape some people and play it back to them a couple days later. They just don't get it.
• Recommend John Ortberg's new book "Faith & Doubt". Like the open and transparent feel of the book. Good topics to discuss.
• Think my personality is changing somewhat over the last several months. Maybe not changing but parts are coming out more. Seem to be more passionate about things (probably the result of being free from the stress I was under at my old job) and venturing into new areas of interest. Love the diverse influences in my life right now.
• Not sure how anybody finds the information at tax training "amazing". Heard several comments like that yesterday and had to laugh. Seriously? This is amazing to people? I think they need to get a life.

Well those are a few of my thoughts from the other planet I am living on this week.