Monday, June 22, 2009
What to do?
Was that the right thing to do? Should I give it one more try? How do I make a bigger impact? Do I move forward or step back? These are the questions constantly running through my mind. I live in the in-between or the tension in the middle. Never knowing for sure that the course that I am taking is the right one. I push between what I want and what is best. (Unfortunately they aren't always the same thing.) What I was convinced of last week, I now wonder if that was the right thing to do? Can I take back my request from God and ask for the best two out of three and hope I get what I want this time? Lots of questions, not many solid answers. I keep trying, moving forward, doing the best that I can, but wondering if I am missing the big picture. Am I settling? Accepting mediocrity, when God has excellence in mind? Do I need to let go of some things, so that I can move on to some better things? Sometimes I get tired on that tension, but it is one of the things that keeps bringing me back to God. Where do you live in the tension? How do you respond to it?
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I have to admit I don't live well in the middle. I would take the burning bush when it comes to Gods will, any day even if it freaked me out. But life seems more like deserts than burning bushes to me. It seems like it's more about walking than it is about knowing. What I find most of the time is that I have my prayers and my deals with God, and then my best guess. And then I am constantly having to reinterpret the next move. Sometimes there's Peace in a decision but Ive also found that the Peace comes and goes.
Sometimes I wonder why God is holding out on me, but then other times I think of the irony of the vigilance that happens in me while I'm searching and waiting, and then I start wondering if these moments without answers are more important for my faith life than the times when I know for sure.
And sometimes I think that maybe God is here in my thoughts and frustrations too whispering things to give me direction, maybe in this hidden way, even when I don't recognize him. I'm not sure what to do with all that except to think in terms of "keep walking" and then total trust in God that he in it in ways that can't always be accounted for.
Those my thoughts.
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