How do you get to the point where you have friends that you know you could go to with any problem and they would be there for you? Friends that you know would raise your kids if you died, friends who would give you their car if you needed one, friends who you could call at 3 a.m. and they would be there immediately. The thought was kind of running through my head Saturday night as I had a conversation with a good friend of ours (codename "Hanna") who point blank told me I was wrong about something. In a world where we edit 95% (just a random percentage I made up) of what we say so that it doesn't offend or isn't politically incorrect, I am so glad that I have friends who will call it straight with me. Not what I want to hear, but what I need to hear. But how do you get to that point?
We had a discussion Sunday morning about community and why it is so hard to find. To me community is just another word for my circle of friends. The people that are there as we go through life together. Those people that I count on and that can count on me. My community is pretty diversified as far as personalities, where we met, how long I've known them, etc., but the key is that I trust them. That's the tough part and why I think most people don't really know what community is. To trust someone, you have to be vulnerable first. We usually go about it the wrong way. We want someone to prove themselves before we start to open up our lives to them. We sit back and wait for them to ask the right questions, to offer to meet a need they don't know about, to guess at what we are going through. If you want to be part of a real community, then it requires you to be willing to open your life up to someone else. You may get burned. I've been burned before and that makes it tougher the next time to trust, but man when you find that real community, it is so worth it! Friends who you can count on, friends who you can be real with and who can be real with you, friends you can laugh with, friends who you know have your best interest in mind. Who wouldn't want that?
Read a blog this morning with another thought about community in the Church. He asks some good questions. "Have we made people too reliant on the church for putting them in relationship with other people? Have we made people too reliant on the church for 'growing them' in their faith? Have we pulled people into relationships with other Christians at the expense of their relationships with people who need Jesus?" I have always found it awkward at best when we as the Church try to organize small groups, Life groups, whatever you want to call them for the purpose of building community. Where else in your life do you choose your friends like this? Let's all sign up with some random people we don't know so that you can share life with them. I don't think small groups are bad, but is a friendship really something you can just sign up for though? Doesn't it make more sense to give people opportunities that they can organize around? Find people who have similar passions and then start building a friendship. That's how it works most of the time outside of the church. Or find people you connect with and start doing things with them. Why do we feel the need to structure the way people build community? I do think there is immense value in being part of a community, I just question whether it is something you can manufacture by throwing people together in a room and calling it a small group.
2 comments:
One of my life problems is trust. I think everyone has something of that problem in varying degrees. In fact, sometimes I think that in some ways it's the human problem.
I have a friend who doesn't believe in God, and sometimes we talk about God, and the idea of faith, and she knows I'm a follower of jesus. Once in a while she will ask me, why faith? If there is a God.... She would say... Then why won't he just prove himself?
I don't know if there is one absolute answer for my friend. And I know that underneath that question is some heavy skepticism, like maybe any answer will be seen as something of convenient. And I'm certain that there is a lot of personal, subjective baggage there as well. But I am more and more coming to think that the answer to her question is found somewhere in this conversation on faith and trust and vulnerability and intimacy which are some of the essentials of community.
It seems to make sense that if one of my greatest hangups was the ability to trust with a tendency to try and live life on the island alone. Then it makes sense that the answer for my hang up would be found in faith stuff, and relearning how to trust. All community stuff.
Jamie
I hear what you are saying & have thought about that idea quite a bit. I liked Morgan's blog but would have one disagreement.
He said, :It just strikes me as odd that people seem to be very capable of finding friends outside the church. In fact, the social networking craze has made it even easier to connect with people both face-to-face and virtually."
I think this is only true. I actually think that people often seem to be completely incapable of finding friends period. Especially friendships that have depth. And I think the social networking stuff, in some ways, actually proves this. I think part of it's popularity is because people are "relationally retarded" already and this helps them feel like they have "friends."
I know that's an overstatement, but I think there is some truth there.
With that said, I think lots of people need helped into community because they don't know how it looks - kinda like the person in your class on Sunday who was learning and experiencing some community. She needed someone to provide the framework or environment that allows her to see it. So while your Bible Class or an organized Small Group might not be the most natural fit to live-in community, I think it serves a purpose for all the people who need to learn it.
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