The encouragement experiment

What would happen if I chose to see some positive in any situation I was in? What if I could find something encouraging to say to those around me instead of critiquing them? What impact would this have on the situation? Would this change in perspective change the situation...change me... change the other people? These were some of my thoughts about a month ago as I continued trying to understand the season of life I am currently in. I have felt adrift in my role in ministry, how the friendships in my life have changed, new responsibilities at work, and how everything fits together for this season in our lives. So began the encouragement experiment. Here are few things that I have learned so far. People are starved for encouragement. I don't know if it is our insecurities, the fact that we so rarely get encouragement or that we are wired to need it that we long for it so much. Probably a little of all of those. Simple words of encouragement impact other people's attitude significantly. When we hear that it matters what we do, we are more likely to recapture that joy in doing it or at least understand that it has a purpose. Simple concept, but one we often choose to ignore. I am guilty of assuming that someone knows that I appreciate what they are doing. How do they know unless I tell them? The change in perspective doesn't change the situation, but it does change my attitude about it. I have struggled with the change in some of my friendships. The fact that I used to be extremely close to some friends and now there is more distance in those friendships. Determining to be encouraging in their lives hasn't magically made everything perfect, but it has allowed me to see the strengths in those friends. I still long for consistent community, but my change of perspective allows me to appreciate the glimpses of it that they provide. Same for other areas in my life also. Things may not have changed much at all in the situation, but I am more content in the situation. This isn't some power of positive thinking experiment or flattering other people. This is an experiment to find joy in living where I am at. Even though I don't always understand the circumstances or situations I am, I always have reasons for being joyful. For me that joy is best shared by encouraging others. It is taking the time to see those good things in others and telling them about it. It doesn't necessarily change the situation, but I know it is changing me and hope that it might make a difference in someone else as well. When was the last time you were encouraged by someone else? When will you make the effort to encourage someone this week? It may not come naturally for you. So what. We only become better at things we are willing to practice at. Start practicing now even though it may be awkward or uncomfortable. Find the joy in where you are at in life.

The nomadic life

Ever feel like a nomad? What I mean is that feeling you can have of not really belonging somewhere or that you may be just be passing through. That's how I feel recently. Which is a little strange since I have lived in Tulsa for almost 21 years now. I know... that's not exactly the normal nomadic life experience.

I've experienced this at least one other time in my life. It was over ten years ago when we looked into moving to Las Vegas. (My wife is starting to cringe at this point, wondering what new idea I have been thinking about. Change for me = exciting, change for her = stressful.) At that time our closest friends had just moved from Tulsa. We had done life with them for several years including starting our families and doing ministry together. I was thinking about changing professions at that point to pursue some things I am passionate about. It was one of those times in life where we didn't really have any strong connections holding us here. Long story made short, we didn't move then. There was another plan for us here at that time. Things for us to experience and a place for us to serve.

I have some of those same feelings now. The connections over the last couple of years have changed. I am in a space in my life where I am in transition. I wonder what I am being prepared for in life? Maybe it is a move to somewhere else. Maybe it is a change in my community and who I get the chance to invest in. Maybe it is my plate being cleared for new opportunities to serve. Maybe it is God just asking if I am willing to go where He is leading. I don't really know right now, but I am learning to lean into God more. Seeking out what He is planning. I feel like a nomad waiting to see where I am heading next.

The funny thing is that I think that is how we are supposed to live anyway. Holding loosely to what is around us so that we can be ready to serve wherever. I long for deeply established friendships, a place to serve wholeheartedly, and knowing what the plan is, but God seems to be saying "trust me". I wonder where this is leading? A little exciting and a little nervous. What is the next step in this adventure called life?

Excuse me...your selfishness is showing

Ever notice how kids pretty much think the world revolves around them? They want something and they don't really try to hide the fact. When a three year old is throwing a temper tantrum, it is pretty obvious that they aren't getting want they want. The sad part is I don't think we really out grow that. We may get better at disguising it because who really wants to see a 35 year old screaming and kicking on the ground because they didn't get their way. But don't people still do this, only in more subtle ways.

The thing with selfishness is that it is pretty easy to identify when we see it. We notice when somebody is looking out for number one and is willing to throw anyone else under the bus who gets in their way. We see the climber who is trying to make sure that he gets the most toys and not let anyone take any of his away. We know when a person has an agenda that is about themselves even when they try to hide it under some noble cause. Because selfishness is easy to spot.

Ever walk out after using the restroom and leave your fly down? You may not notice it for awhile, but I can guarantee you that those around you have. You happily go about what you are doing exposed to the world. Maybe someone will finally tell you that you pants are unzipped (a good friend would), but most likely they will let you discover it on your own. Unfortunately that is how we treat our selfishness as well. We walk around with our selfishness hanging out and no one bothers to correct us. I mean let's face it, telling someone they are being selfish isn't exactly a fun conversation to have. We will just let them figure it out on their own rather than risk having an uncomfortable conversation.

If you see my selfishness showing (or that I forgot to zip my pants for that matter), please tell me. It may be a little awkward, but I would rather know than be walking around exposed to the world. My pants being unzipped may be a little embarrassing, but it is an accident. Being selfish is a choice that is wrong and needs to be corrected. Can we stop being so polite and just start helping each other? So before you head out into the world today remember to check your fly and also make a choice to be selfless instead of selfish. Not always easy to live out, but the reality is that the world doesn't revolve around you anymore today than it did when you were three.

Guidelines on being yourself

Be yourself... and here are the guidelines of what that means. Does that seems a little contradictory to you? That's the realization of what I've been trying to do. Oh, I don't come out and tell someone that exactly. It is a little more subtle than that. See I have an idea of how I want things to be and how I want people to fit into that role. I set expectations in my mind of how a conversation will go or how a person should respond or how I want someone to act and then when they don't I am frustrated or angry or disappointed. See they didn't fit into the guidelines of what I had created.

We are attracted to those differences in each other and then we try change them. We talk about celebrating diversity, but then we try to fit everyone into the same mold as us. See I understand myself so I want others to fit into that same mold. This is how I would respond, so if you respond the same way I can understand that. When there are differences, it creates tension. It means you have to work harder at understanding that person. It means you might have different ways of handling conflict or ways you express gratitude or ways you process your thoughts. When they are different than what I expect, that means either I can be dogmatic and insist you change to my style or I have to work at understanding you.

So that is where I am at. I am working at accepting people and enjoying them for who they are right now. Not who I want them to be or even who they could be, but just as they are currently. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am even kind of good at doing it or that it is easy for me. But I will keep trying. See to do anything else means I give into my selfish side. The side that has to have it MY way. The part of me that is egotistical enough to think that MY way is always the best way because it is mine. It may mean that part of what I want, I don't get. But you know I recall hearing somewhere that life isn't suppose to be about me. Sometimes that is hard to hear and it is definitely hard to live out. So around me, be yourself. We may be different and I might not ever understand you, but I want to celebrate the amazing way you were created.

I guess a large "but" is in order here. (Really I just wanted to write large butt in a sentence.) Being yourself doesn't mean that there aren't areas where we need to change. We need to grow and be challenged. Sometimes we need to hear that from others and we can't hide behind the easy out of "that is just the way I am". This isn't about being tolerant, but learning to love others. Sometimes loving another person means telling them the hard truth. Loving someone else means I have their best interest in mind. It doesn't mean having it my way. So are you loving well or just wanting it your way? Tough question to answer sometimes. It can reveal part of us that we don't like to see. Want to know how you are doing in loving others? Ask them. If they tell you aren't loving them well, don't argue with their answers and try to explain why you are. Take it in and learn how to love them. It is tough and may mean you give up some of what you want, but isn't that what loving them means... putting their interest above yours?